


running through my heart

by bilexualclarke



Series: lover, be good to me [4]
Category: Sanditon (TV 2019), Sanditon - Jane Austen
Genre: 5 Things, Established Relationship, F/M, Pregnancy, im so soft for these two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:33:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22467931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bilexualclarke/pseuds/bilexualclarke
Summary: 5 emotions Charlotte feels during her first pregnancy.
Relationships: Charlotte Heywood/Sidney Parker
Series: lover, be good to me [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1563166
Comments: 32
Kudos: 202





	running through my heart

**i. determination**

Charlotte stops taking her tea on a Sunday morning. She doesn’t tell Sidney. It’s not that she’s scared of his reaction, or that she worries he won’t agree with her decision. It’s just...she wants to keep it to herself for a little bit. It’s her decision, her body, her  _ choice _ , and she doesn’t want to share it with anyone just yet.

Additionally, she doesn’t want Sidney to get his hopes up too soon.

The topic of children came up early in their marriage, with both Sidney and Charlotte excited at the possibility of filling their home with the pitter-patter of little footsteps and shrieks of laughter. They had fortunately been on the same page, however, about wanting to wait. Not long, just a little while. Just to give them enough time to fully enjoy their time together before bringing something-- or some _ one _ \-- new into their lives. 

And enjoy themselves they did. They spent a lot of time traveling-- Scotland, Ireland, a lovely month on the continent where they spent Charlotte’s birthday in France. They even took a trip south with Georgiana so she could reconnect with her friends in Antigua. Charlotte fell in love with the warm temperatures and pristine beaches there. But now here they were, coming up on two years of marriage, settled back home in Sanditon. Georgiana has made plans to move to London in the spring, and with her departure imminent, Charlotte feels like it might be the right time to start to fill their home. So she puts away the tea leaves that Mary has been discreetly getting for her since her and Sidney’s wedding, and figures she will let fate run its course. 

Sidney doesn’t notice. 

Or rather, Charlotte thinks he doesn’t. He doesn’t say anything, but she should know by know that he notices everything when it comes to her. He notices when she parts her hair differently, when she starts wearing a new barrette, or changes the ribbons on her bonnet. He notices the first morning when she opts for some of his herbal tea with breakfast, but he does not comment on the change. He figures she will tell him when she’s ready. 

They make love that night, and the night after. And the morning after, as well. He never sees her take her tea. Weeks pass, and the lack of tea becomes an afterthought. Then one morning, a few months later, he wakes to her soft cries. He sits up immediately and sees Charlotte with her knees to her chest, head bowed, shoulders shaking. He wraps his arms around her and she gasps, not knowing he was awake, and tries to move away, taking the sheets with her. In her struggle he glances down, sees the stain of red upon the bedsheets and looks at her curiously. She has never cried over her menses before.

“I didn’t get it for a little while,” she sniffles, and his heart sinks with understanding. “I didn’t want to get my hopes up but I did.”

“Oh, Charlotte,” Sidney sighs, pulling her to his chest. He kisses the top of her head, rocks her gently until her cries subside. When she looks up at him with red-rimmed eyes, he tries for a cheeky grin.

“I certainly don’t mind trying again.”

It gets a laugh out of her, and some of the usual brightness returns to her eyes. She bleeds again the next month, and although she doesn’t show it, Sidney knows it bothers her. But he finds no cause to worry just yet. He is more than happy to enjoy their time with just the two of them. 

**ii. fear**

Charlotte dabs the side of her mouth with a handkerchief, taking a shaky breath and sitting back on her heels. She had wanted to take a walk through the garden after breakfast, but had barely made it a few paces before she was retching into the rosebush. It is the fourth day in a row that she had gotten sick, and she knows in her bones what is the cause.

Charlotte is terrified.

It’s one thing to want something, and it’s another to get it. For all the months she has been waiting, wiping the tears from her cheeks at the sign of her menses, this knowledge is sobering. She feels like she is buzzing like a bee, alight with nervous energy as she pulls herself back together and walks back into the house. She fixes herself some mint water to refresh her mouth before grabbing her bonnet and heading to Trafalgar House. 

Charlotte finds Mary sitting by the window, her hand moving fluidly over a piece of parchment, and she hurries over and collapses into a chair across from her. 

“Charlotte! Are you alright, dear? You look awfully pale.”

Instead of answering, Charlotte surprises both of them by bursting into tears. 

“Oh!” Mary sets down her paper and goes over to her sister-in-law, wrapping her up in a tight hug. “What is it, Charlotte? Is it Sidney? Is Georgiana alright?”

“No, he’s fine, we’re all fine,” Charlotte sniffs. “I- I don’t know why I’m crying, I just--” She takes a few gulping breaths, trying to calm down. “I’ve missed my monthly and I’ve been sick and tired and I just think…”

“Oh, Charlotte…”

“And I’m  _ scared _ .”

Mary wipes the tear tracks from her cheeks. “I was, too. With every one of them.” She stands and offers her hands to Charlotte. “Come. We’ll go see Doctor Fuchs.”

The doctor confirms Charlotte’s suspicions and promises to keep her condition private. Mary swears she won’t breathe a word to Tom, and even jokes that he probably would not even notice anything out of the ordinary until Charlotte shows up to dinner with a babe in her arms. 

The women return to Charlotte and Sidney’s home, and Mary fixes a pot of tea while Charlotte sits on the chaise and stares out the window. The excitement is there, but it’s buried underneath all the fear and worry. 

She’s going to have a  _ baby _ . A new little life, that is a little bit her and a little bit Sidney. Charlotte is overwhelmed with love already, but with that love becomes a paralyzing fear. What if she’s not good enough? What if she makes a mistake? What if something bad happens and she is helpless to stop it?

“I can hear your thoughts, my dear sister,” Mary says, placing a teacup into Charlotte’s hands. “I’ve had them all myself. You needn’t worry; you shall be a better mother than I could ever dream to be.”

“Oh, I doubt that’s possible,” Charlotte says, blushing. “You’re a wonderful mother, Mary. I could only hope to be half the mother you are.”

Mary takes a sip of her tea and smiles. “The thing about motherhood, Charlotte, is that you’re always more prepared than you realize. But never prepared enough. You grow with your children, you learn with them. And the love they bring out in you is unlike any other kind of love. Far greater than what you feel for your husband, however darling he may be. And Charlotte, you’re the eldest of eleven. I’ve seen you with my own children. You’ve been a mother long before now, my dear.”

Her fears assuaged, Charlotte feels more confident. The knot in her stomach dissipates and she finds herself staring out the window with a smile, already thinking about how to decorate the nursery. Mary leaves a little while before dinner, and Charlotte waits for Sidney to come home from his meeting with his solicitor in London. When he comes in, he greets Charlotte with a kiss and holds her close. She takes a deep breath against his chest, letting the soothing smell of him wash over her and relax her tense shoulders. She won’t tell him tonight, but she will soon. 

  
  


**iii. excitement**

It’s the first true spring morning, with the sun shining bright and a warm April breeze dancing in the ari. The violets are in bloom. After breakfast, Charlotte tells Sidney that they’re going on a picnic. 

“Eating outside? What would Mrs. Griffiths say?” he teases, helping her in the kitchen as they pack the food their cook, Mrs. Rhodes, had prepared into a large basket. 

Charlotte doesn’t reply, merely kisses his cheek and hands him a warm loaf of bread. She’s going to tell him today.

They walk arm-in-arm out to the fields, and Sidney finds the perfect spot in between two trees where the sun hits them just right. They bask in the warm glow of the afternoon, content with each other’s company. Charlotte collects some wild violets and Sidney sets to work on braiding them into a crown for her hair. 

“I do love violets,” Charlotte says with a smile when it places it upon her head. “I think they must be my favorite flower.”

Sidney smirks, because of course he knows that. 

“Violet would be a pretty name, if we ever had a daughter,” he says softly, starting on another crown to bring home to Jenny. “Don’t you think, Charlotte?”

She gapes at him for a moment, stunned that he gave her such a good opening. She studies him briefly, trying to see if there is any hint of teasing in his expression. Sidney is an awful liar, and if he knew about her condition it would be written all over his face. But he isn’t looking at her, focused on weaving the flowers, his face a picture of innocence. 

“I think it’s a lovely name,” Charlotte says softly. “Have you thought of one for a boy?”

Sidney thinks for a moment, furrowing his brow. “No, not yet.”

Charlotte takes a deep breath. “Well, you’d best start thinking. We only have a few months to figure it out.”

Sidney freezes, drops the crown. He looks up at her with wide eyes. Charlotte is the picture of beauty, with the sun shining in a halo behind her, violets woven in a crown on her head, her hair loose around her shoulders. Her eyes are bright and her smile is wide and he has never been so struck by her image before. 

“You’re…?”

“ _ Yes _ ,” Charlotte says, and she barely gets the word out before Sidney is on top of her. She collapses with a laugh against the blanket, laughing against his mouth as he kisses her with fervor. 

“A baby,” Sidney gasps, looking into her eyes with awe. “We’re going to have a baby.”

Their picnic ends with them laying down, him resting on his elbows, his warm hands on her belly. His voice is low and soft as he talks to the baby.

“My mother had all sorts of lullabies she used to sing to us,” Sidney muses, tracing patterns on her stomach. “I’m sure Diana or Arthur remembers them better than I. I’ll have to ask them.”

The thought of Sidney singing lullabies to their child makes Charlotte’s heart swell. Now that he knows, she feels as if she can fully enjoy her elation, and that they can share it together. 

Every day she looks in the mirror, cataloging the slow swell of her stomach. It is nearly imperceptible at first, but once the small bump is noticeable, it is all Charlotte can see. The sight of it fills her with a joy she has never known before, and even though the changing of her body is odd and uncomfortable at times, she finds herself relishing every minute of it, desperate to meet her little one.

**iv. arousal**

“Charlotte?” Sidney calls as he opens the door. She can hear his heavy footsteps in the foyer from where she waits in their private sitting room upstairs. She calls to him, and within moments he is bounding up the stairs. 

“Are you alright?” he asks, one hand cupping her face, the other smoothing over the swell of her belly, slightly concealed under the layers of her dress. His eyes search her face for any signs of distress, relaxing slightly when he finds none. “When Freida said you sent her to fetch me I was worried something had happened.”

Sidney had been at a meeting with one of Lady Susan’s friends at the Denham Arms, discussing the possible construction of a music hall. When he had seen Freida, Charlotte’s lady’s maid, enter the bar and hurry over to him, his stomach had dropped. 

“Mr. Parker,” she had said, her voice low. “Mrs. Parker requires you to return home straight away. She says it is most urgent.”

And barely managing to bid Lady Susan’s friend a proper goodbye, Sidney had all but sprinted home. 

But to his relief, Charlotte was fine. Or at least, she seemed to be in no obvious distress. He tenderly strokes her cheek with his thumb, waiting for her to tell him why he was needed so desperately. 

“Nothing has happened,” Charlotte says, biting her lip. There is a slight flush to her cheeks. “I just…” She grips the hand that is on her cheek, her small fingers wrapping around his wrist, teasingly stroking the exposed skin there. 

She takes a step closer, looks up at Sidney from beneath her eyelashes, and he  _ knows _ .

“Again?” He cannot control the wolfish grin that spreads across his face. “Charlotte, you are quite insatiable of late.”

She rolls her eyes and swats at his chest. “Don’t act like you aren’t enjoying it.”

Sidney wraps an arm around her waist, yanking her against his chest and nuzzling against her jaw. He presses hot kisses along her jaw, his hands tight on her waist. “Oh, I most certainly am,” he growls. 

“Sidney, I feel bewitched,” Charlotte laughs when he picks her up, spins them around, and settles on the chaise lounge. She settles on his lap, a knee on either side of his thighs, tugging his face up to hers so she can kiss him. “I want you all the time.”

“You had me just before breakfast,” Sidney points out while his hands sneak under her layers of skirts.

“And the moment the door closed behind you I was--  _ Ah! _ \-- I was wanting you again.” Charlotte gasps when he cups her heat, his thumb expertly circling her bud whilst he slips two fingers inside her. 

“Is that right?” Sidney works her up quickly, his hands moving with a practiced grace. In Charlotte’s state of arousal, already so worked up, it doesn’t take long for her to fall over the edge. But it does nothing to satisfy her thirst for him. If anything, it makes her even more desperate. Too impatient to ask him to move them into their bedroom, she rips at the fall of his trousers. Amused, aroused, and so, so in love, Sidney helps her hike up her skirts and guides her down onto his hardened length. 

“This what you needed?” he growls as she rides him. 

“ _ Yes _ ,” Charlotte whines, her eyes closed and face all scrunched up with pleasure. “Yes, Sidney, this is…  _ oh! _ This is perfect.”

Her breasts heave, trapped beneath her dress, and he quickly loosens her stays so he can press kisses over her decolletage. He is overwhelmed by his amazing wife, gorgeous and glowing, her belly swollen with his child, and her insatiable need for him. 

It doesn’t take long for Charlotte to reach her peak again. She discovered a fact on their wedding night that holds true even now, years later: that the feeling of her husband’s cock inside of her is one of the best things in this world. Her cunt clenches down on him and she muffles her cries into his neck. Sidney gasps at the feeling and holds her close against him as he finds his own release as well. 

He holds her tight for a few moments, letting them catch their breath, rubbing Charlotte’s back to help her through the aftershocks. She is uncharacteristically quiet, and when he eventually pulls back to look at her, brushing some stray curls from her face, he chokes down a laugh when he sees that she has fallen asleep. As carefully as he can without disturbing her, he haphazardly rights their clothes, carries her into their bedroom, and tucks her into bed with a kiss on her forehead. 

**v. contentment**

“Sing to us again,” Charlotte entreats her husband. 

He turns to glance at her over his shoulder from where he is crouched in front of the hearth, stoking the fire. Charlotte sits in bed, propped up against the pillows, two-month-old Violet a nearly-sleeping bundle in her arms. 

“She’s almost asleep. One more song should do it,” she tells him. Sidney smiles and stands, wincing at the ache in his knees. He comes to sit next to them, his arm around Charlotte’s shoulders as they both gaze down adoringly at their daughter’s face.

“I suppose I could manage another,” Sidney says softly, tracing the slope of Violet’s nose with his index finger. “Since I have such an adoring audience.”

Charlotte smiles and rests her head against his shoulder. “Do the one your mother used to sing. The smiling one.”

“Alright,” Sidney settles into bed so he’s more comfortable. “Anything for my little bonny baby.”

He clears his throat, and Charlotte closes her eyes, listening to the deep, soothing rumble of his voice.

_ “Hush, hush, time to be sleeping _

_ Hush, hush, dreams come a-creeping _

_ Dreams of peace and of freedom _

_ So smile in your sleep, bonny baby.” _

Violet is asleep before he gets to the second verse, but Sidney continues anyway. Charlotte nearly feels herself nodding off as well, the new stresses of managing life with a small baby causing her to tire far quicker than usual. She blinks awake just as Sidney finishes the song, mindful that Violet is still in her arms. She knows she should put her in her bassinet for the night, but she can’t bring herself to part with her sweet little girl.

“Let’s have her sleep with us tonight,” Charlotte whispers. Sidney huffs a laugh and kisses the top of her head. He had initially been opposed to the idea, too scared of accidentally rolling over and squashing little Violet in his sleep, but Charlotte had convinced him he would never do such a thing. She’s been sleeping between them more and more lately, and though they both know she’ll have to get used to sleeping on her own soon, they can’t bring themselves to part with her just yet. More often than not Charlotte will wake up just to look at her, and find Sidney doing the same. 

“She’s going to be quite spoiled if we continue at this rate,” Sidney says as Charlotte shifts Violet to lay between them, still bundled in all her blankets.

“With you as her father? Absolutely.”

“Perhaps we’ll just have to have a few more. To spread the spoils evenly, of course.”

“Well, in the name of fairness…” Charlotte teases. When Sidney flashes her one of his signature grins, a genuine one, the one that makes lines crinkle by his eyes, the one that he didn’t really show anyone until he met her, Charlotte feels a surge of affection in her heart.

“I’m so happy, Sidney,” she says softly, taking his hand. 

Sidney leans over Violet to kiss her, his lips gentle yet insistent against hers. “As am I, dear Charlotte,” he says. “More than words can say.”

They fall into sleep soon after, their hands still clasped together, arms outstretched over their daughter, who remains fast asleep between them. For a little while, everything is still, and everything feels right. 

**Author's Note:**

> my blog is a mess of sanditon and star wars so if you care about either come talk to me :) @bilexualclarke


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